A famous art collector is walking through the city when he notices a mangy cat lapping milk from a saucer in the doorway of a store.
He does a double take, as he notices that the saucer is extremely old and very valuable. He walks casually into the store and offers to buy the cat for two dollars.
The store owner replies, "I'm sorry, but the cat isn't for sale."
The collector says, "Please, I need a hungry cat around the house to catch mice. I'll pay you twenty dollars for that cat."
And the owner says "Sold," and hands over the cat.
The collector continues, "Hey, for the twenty bucks I wonder if you could throw in that old saucer. The cat's used to it and it'll save me having to get a dish."
And the owner says, "Sorry buddy, but that's my lucky saucer. So far this week I've sold sixty-eight cats."
Chester and Earl are going hunting. Chester says to Earl, "I'll send my dog out to see if there are any ducks out in the pond. If there aren't any ducks out there, I'm not going hunting."
So he sends the dog out to the pond. The dog comes back and barks twice. Chester says, "Well I'm not going to go out. He only saw two ducks out there."
Earl says, "You're going to take the dog's barks for the truth?" Earl doesn't believe it, so he goes to look for himself. When he gets back he says, "I don't believe it where did you get that dog? There really are only two ducks out there!"
Chester says, "Well, I got him from the breeder up the road. If you want, you can get one from him, too."
So Earl goes to the breeder and says he wants a dog like the one his friend Chester has. The breeder obliges and Earl brings the dog home, tells it to go out and look for ducks. Minutes later the dog returns with a stick in it's mouth and starts humping Earl's leg.
Outraged, Earl takes the dog back to the breeder and says, "This dog is a fraud. I want my money back!"
The breeder asks Earl what the dog did. So Earl tells him that when he sent the dog out to look for ducks, it came back with a stick in its mouth and started humping his leg.
The breeder says, "Earl, all he was trying to tell you was that there are more fucking ducks out there than you can shake a stick at!"
A child was continually asking his Mom to buy him a hamster. When she did, the child looked after it for a couple of days, but soon he got bored, and it became the Mom's responsibility to feed it. One day she got upset with the her son's carelessness and asked him, "How many times do you think this hamster would have died until now, if I wasn't looking after it?"
The child replied, "Um, I don't know. Once?"
There was a terrible bus accident. Unfortunately, no one survived the accident except a monkey which was on board and there were no witnesses. The police try to investigate further but they get no results. At last, they try to interrogate the monkey. The monkey seems to respond to their questions with gestures. Seeing that, they start asking the questions.
The police chief asks, "What were the people doing on the bus?"
The monkey shakes his head in a condemning manner and starts dancing around; meaning the people were dancing and having fun.
The chief asks, "Yeah, but what else were they doing?".
The monkey uses his hand and takes it to his mouth as if holding a bottle.
The chief says, "Oh! They were drinking, huh??!" The chief continues, "Okay, were they doing anything else?"
The monkey nods his head and moves his mouth back and forth, meaning they were talking.
The chief loses his patience, "If they were having such a great time, who was driving the stupid bus then?"
The monkey cheerfully swings his arms to the sides as if grabbing a wheel.
The front door was accidentally left open and our dog was gone. After unsuccessfully whistling and calling, my husband got in the car and went looking for him. He drove around the neighborhood for some time with no luck.
Finally he stopped beside a couple out for a walk and asked if they had seen our dog. "You mean the one following your car?" they asked.
A man went to a pet shop and asked for a bird that could sing. The proprietor brought out a gorgeous tropical bird, looked the bird in the eye, puckered his lips and started to whistle. The bird took up the very note and finished the tune with him.
"That's mighty fine," the customer said, "but I'd never pay money for that bird. His right leg's crippled."
"I thought you wanted me to sing!" cried the bird. "I gotta dance, too?"
Upon entering the little country store, the stranger noticed a sign saying; DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG! posted on the glass door.
Inside he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor besides the cash register.
He asked the store manager, "Is THAT the dog folks are supposed to beware of?"
"Yep, that's him," he replied.
The stranger couldn't help but be amused. "That certainly doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?"
"Because," the owner replied, "before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him."
A man was very proud of his guard dog, he would leave it to roam free in the garden to sow the world his house was guarded. One day a woman knocked at his door. "Is that your big dog outside?" Wondering how she had got past him he said "Yes why?" She said I'm sorry but my dog just killed him!" "What??" Roared the man "What kind of dog have you got??" "A Peke" Replied the woman. "A Peke??? how could that little thing kill my big fine guard dog?" "I think it got stuck in his throat!" Replied the woman.