A man was driving into town, and he fell in a big ditch in the middle of the road.
A farmer came up and said, "My horse Sebastian can pull you out," the man said OK and the farmer got Sebastian.
When Sebastian was hooked up, the farmer said, "Pull Ranger! C'mon Benny! Lets go Delilah!!!!"
Then the farmer said, "Pull Sebastian, pull!"
Then the car was out of the ditch, the man said, "I have a question, why did you say the wrong name three times?"
And the farmer said, "Because Sebastian is blind, if he knew other horses weren't pulling, he wouldn't even try..."
A farmer and his pig were driving down the road when a cop pulled him over.
The cop asked the farmer, "Didn't you know it is against the law to ride with a pig in the front of you truck?"
The farmer replied, "No, I didn't know that."
The cop ask the farmer where he was going and he said, "To Memphis". The cop said, "I will let you off the hook this time if you promise to take the pig to the zoo when you get to Memphis."
So the farmer promised he would.
Several days later the cop spotted the farmer with the pig driving down the road and he pulled him over again.
The cop said "I thought I told you to take this pig to the zoo when you got to Memphis" and to this the farmer replied "I did and we had so much fun, I'm taking him to the circus."
Hawaiian Rules Of J.W.: 1) Never judge a day by the weather. 2) The best things in life aren't things. 3) Tell the truth; there's less to remember. 4) Speak softly and wear a loud aloha shirt. 5) Goals are deceptive; the unaimed arrow never misses. 6) He who dies with the most toys, still dies. 7) Age is relative; when you're over the hill, you pick up speed. 8) There are two ways to be rich: make more or desire less. 9) Beauty is internal; looks mean nothing. 10) No rain, no rainbows.
It seems that a devout, good couple was about to get married,
but a tragic car accident ended their lives. When they got to heaven, they asked St. Peter if he could arrange for them to get married, saying that it was what they had hoped for in life,
and they still desired wedded union. He thought about it and agreed, but said they would have to wait.
It was almost one hundred years later when St. Peter sent for them. They were married in a simple ceremony. So things went on, for thirty years or so, but they determined, in this time,
that eternity was best not spent together. They went back to St. Peter, and said: "We thought we would be happy forever, but now we believe that we have irreconcilable differences. Is there any way we can get divorced?" "Are you kidding?" said St. Peter.
"It took me a hundred years to get a priest up here to marry you. I will never get a lawyer!"
A farmer goes to the bank to ask for a loan. When the loan officer denies him credit the farmer's dog bites the officer. Then she turns around and bites one of the customers. The loan officer asks the farmer:
I understand why your dog bit me. But why did she bite the customer.
I don't know...probably to get the bad taste out of her mouth.
A solider stationed in the South Pacific wrote to his wife in the States to please send him a harmonica to occupy his free time and keep his mind off of the local women. The wife complied and sent the best one she could find, along with several dozen lesson and music books.
Rotated back home, he rushed to their home and through the front door. "Oh darling" he gushed, "Come here. Let me look at you. Let me hold you! Let's have a fine dinner out, then make love all night. I've missed your lovin' so much."
The wife, keeping her distance, said, "All in good time lover. First, let's hear you play that harmonica."
An aged farmer and his wife were leaning against the edge of their pig-pen when the old woman wistfully recalled that the next week would mark their golden wedding anniversary.
"Let's have a party, Homer," she suggested. "Let's kill a pig."
The farmer scratched his grizzled head. "Gee, Ethel," he finally answered, "I don't see why the pig should take the blame for something that happened fifty years ago."
A ventriloquist was driving through the midwest when his car broke down. He walked a ways and found a farmer who would let him use his phone. Well, the farmer seemed to be a real stereotypical rural type, so the ventriloquist thought it would be possible to have some fun with him. The farmer began to lead him back to the house.
Along the way, they passed a horse. The ventriloquist said to the farmer, "Is this your horse?" The farmer replied, "Yep."
The ventriloquist asked, "Can he talk?" The farmer said, "Nope." The ventriloquist then said to the horse, "So, how do you like it here?"
He then threw his voice, and said in a horse-like voice, "Oh, it's pretty good. Every morning the farmer feeds me oats."
Upon hearing this the farmer was startled and quickened his pace.
Soon they came to a cow. The ventriloquist asked, "Is this your cow?" and the farmer replied, "Yep." He then asked, "Does it talk?" and the farmer replied, "I..I don't think so."
The ventriloquist asked the cow, "How do you like it here?" and threw his voice again. In a cow-like voice, he said, "Oh, I like it just fine. Every morning the farmer comes and milks me."
Upon hearing this, the farmer squirmed. He looked down at the ground and continued walking.
Soon they came to some sheep. The ventriloquist asked, "Are these your sheep?" and the farmer replied, "Yep."
He then asked, "Do they talk?" and the farmer exclaimed, "Yes, but they lie!"
A young executive was leaving the office late one evening, when he finds the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.
"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work for me?"
"Certainly," the young executive says. He turns the machine on, inserts the paper, and presses the start button.
"Excellent, excellent!" says the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy."